This topic is particularly hard for me to discuss, because it’s always been difficult for me to deal with that kind of loss. In life I choose optimism because it has definitely given me a reason to be numb. I’ve had some major losses in my family, people that I wish I could talk to one more time. People that played a BIG role in my life and whose existence I’ll never forget.
Recently though, I lost my grandfather. He was my last living grandfather and it bothers me that my (future) children will never know any of them (him in particular since he had such a big role). They’ll never hear his speeches, his long prayers, or his ability to command attention from everyone around him. Losing him made me view life a bit differently and I can’t get over how someone that has been through so much was taken away by this stupid virus. But I find comfort in the fact that he was a man of God and will go on to rest with the King.
Grief has a funny way of making us re-evaluate all that we know. And yes I meant grief not death. It wasn’t the death of a loved one that changed my perspective, it was the grief that I felt as a result of the death. Dealing with grief is the hardest part *in my opinion* of losing someone. Your emotions can take you to some deep dark places that are sometimes hard to push through. In the past I’ve cried until I couldn’t breath, drank until I couldn’t see, and smoked until I couldn’t think.
I haven’t always dealt with tragedy in this way. When I was younger I would pour myself into my schoolwork and get lost in books to help deal with the pain, and it worked. In college things shifted and being under a tremendous amount of stress already, forced me to take up things that helped me escape for longer periods of time. I had stopped reading long before that, simply because I had too much on my plate. I was tired of schoolwork and eventually stopped going to class. I couldn’t deal with having lost someone else that was so near and dear to my heart that I ran as far away as I could.
It wasn’t until I was fighting to get back into school, from all of the days that I had missed, that I realized I couldn’t afford that again. Down-spiraling from grief and tragedy had landed me somewhere that I almost couldn’t get out of when the storm cleared. I remembered my old choir director from high school telling us the story of his mom’s passing. She was being laid to rest and he thought “why are people still driving past, don’t you see my mother is gone?”
He then told us that he had to realize that life still goes on. No matter what the situation, problem, or circumstance life STILL goes on. Being sad is ok, grieving is ok, but make sure you remain upright and steadfast. Don’t stop your life just because something bad has happened! Things happen all the time, take a minute to breathe and feel your feelings but don’t let it consume you.
Not handling my emotions the way I should’ve almost cost me something that I worked years to earn.
Although I’ll always feel pain from those losses, I don’t feel it as often or as intensely. *My grandfather’s passing is still pretty fresh so that will take a minute* That complete and utter feeling of devastation was temporary, but unless I was planning on leaving this earth too, I still have to handle my business!
Hello thanks for reading. I’m definitely getting the hang of this! It feels natural and slightly liberating. Some things I’ve held onto for years are finally being released. I’m starting a new chapter in my life and I don’t have room for any baggage. It costs too much and it’s too heavy to carry.